It Would Be Quite Easy To Officiate Luka Doncic

It Would Be Quite Easy To Officiate Luka Doncic
(Photo credit: Getty Images)
Share:

I believe refereeing an NBA game is not as hard as it seems.

I know, I know, refs are in a lose/lose situation. Trying to implement a rulebook on world-class athletes moving at hyperspeed is going to result in human error. The difference between a block or charge is a millisecond. Sometimes it’s impossible to determine who touched the ball last, even on high-definition replay. Good luck attempting to referee a player as physical as Giannis or Lebron. There are a myriad of ways a ref can screw up on every play and even with my vibrant youth and Lasik-honed eyes, I would still make mistakes.

However, if you covered me in black-and-white stripes and placed me on an NBA court, there are many ways I would improve current referee protocol. I would refuse to listen to Luka Doncic complain for even one possession before stuffing a binky in his mouth. If his tantrum continued, I would threaten him with a bonnet and rattle. If he refused to quit weeping, I would wrap him in swaddling clothes and send him to sit in the corner of the locker room. I would never reward him for running into the nearest defender and falling down. I would need to see R-rated proof of bodily harm before even contemplating sending him to the free throw line. I would never, ever give him the benefit of the doubt on a play where I was unsure of what happened because the most embarrassing thing an NBA referee can do is be duped by the same miserable antics over and over again.

I would apply the same methods to Draymond Green. And Chris Paul. And James Harden, though I would have to pack bigger diapers. It’s rumored that NBA referees watch game film and there is no way this is true. I watch NBA games from home and can immediately identify any/all players who are trying to manipulate refs rather than play basketball. I could even do that before Lasik! I’m stunned to be watching supposed professionals fall for the childish deceptions of adult toddlers. The track record of NBA referees in this area is less than stellar. Derek Fisher. Manu Ginobili. Patrick Beverly. Karl Anthony-Towns. Even the current MVP of the league, Nikola Jokic! If the NBA cares to make games more watchable, I offer my services as a ref or consultant. Luka has more than enough skill to post 30/11/10 playoff box scores without our help. We will still mess up on blocks/charges or the occasional out-of-bounds call, but we will never again reward a flop with free throws. Those referees who fail will be forced to wear the diaper themselves.

Share: